by Bonnie Wurst
From the Encyclopedia of Bonnie’s Babble:
‘Mental-Pause’, a moment in time when an adult female or male homosapien momentarily loses the ability to think. Mental capabilities are reduced and symptoms include temporary lapses in memory, verbalization and auditory skill loss – and disappearance of rational thought. A human in the throes of this affliction may experience the loss of keys, missed appointments, PIN# Dysfunction Syndrome and Password Panic, amongst other symptoms.
Mental-Pause is often experienced in the later stages of an adult human’s life and often coincides with; menopause, man-opause, mid-life crisis, burn out and stress/anxiety. There is no cure for Mental-Pause, it simply needs to run its course and it usually fades away as the human slows down, has less responsibilities and can focus on the present by devoting less time to thoughts of the past and the future.
There are therapeutic treatments available that have been proven to ease some symptoms which include; exercise, yoga, meditation, massage, art, music and reading. Although no clinical studies have been done, there are those who swear that a good shot of cognac (or other preferred spirit) can ease the discomfort associated with Mental-Pause. How to deal with some common symptoms,
SCENARIO ONE – THE NOCTURNAL RINGING:
You have just fallen asleep in bed after a long hard day. You wake up to the sound of someone singing ‘Because I’m happy… Clap along… Because I’m happy’ – over and over again. And you’re not happy about it at all. You get up and follow the sound, but it doesn’t lead to one of the kids rooms, it leads to the refrigerator freezer. You open the door slowly, and find your cell phone inside with several missed call alerts. It falls to the floor and it’s still singing that it’s happy – because it’s your ringtone.
*SOLUTION: crush cell phone under your foot. Make sure you are wearing good slippers. You should feel much better for it in the morning, but you will need to get a new cell phone. Put a ‘No Cell Phones Allowed’ warning sticker on your freezer door.
SCENARIO TWO – THE VERBAL BREAKDOWN:
You are talking to a colleague about a very important presentation that must be ready for a new client coming in the next morning. A bird flying by the window captures both of your attention for just a fleeting moment, you turn back to each other and stare blankly into space. You ask your colleague “now… ahhh, what was I saying?”
Your colleague, also experiencing Mental-Pause, thinks for a moment and then says, “I think you were asking if I could pick up a muffin for you at Muffins R 4U on my way in tomorrow?”
You answer, “Umm… ya’ sure… could you get me a banana-cranberry special?”
The next day when the meeting with the client begins, you open up the Power Point presentation only to find pictures of yourself riding a mechanical bull at last summer’s company picnic.
*SOLUTION: immediately close laptop and tell client the battery is dead and that you are going to get the charger and extension cord to plug it in. Give client your banana-cranberry muffin, and ask them if they would like a cup of coffee to go with it. They will tell you what they want in it, but even though you will forget by the time you get to the lunch room, it won’t matter because you would have text messaged your colleague to go and shut off the electricity to the entire building. You reschedule the meeting.
SCENARIO THREE – THE AUDITORY/MEMORY LAPSE BREAKDOWN:
You are expecting very special guests for dinner and your spouse/partner is cooking up a gourmet meal. Suddenly your partner cries out, “OMG! I forgot to pick up the shrimp! They’re going to be here in a less than two hours! OMG! I need the shrimp… it’s the main course!”
“Relax,” you reply, getting up from a power nap on the sofa. “I’ll just run over to the mall and pick some up.”
“Make sure to get at least three dozen of the Jumbo Tiger shrimp, fresh not frozen.”
You return with three dozen pair of Freshmaid’s tiger-print pantyhose, jumbo size.
*SOLUTION: substitute shrimp with leftover Winged-It-Wong pineapple chicken nuggets. Tell your guests the recipe came from the new ‘Tastes Just Like Chicken’ cookbook by Chef Ramsay. Hope that your spouse/partner experiences an extended lapse in memory.
I will end this article with this last piece of advice… always try to remember to, ahh… umm… always try to bring with a, ahh… never put your… hmm, where was I going with this? Please feel free to remind me when commenting on this article.
Bonnie Wurst is a freelance journalist, a weekly columnist for the Montreal Times, a novelist, ghost writer (not the scary kind) and humorist. Her book “Damaged Goods Re-Stitched” can be found on Amazon.com. Bonnie is available for speaking engagements and can be reached at email@example.com