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Dear Miss Cyrus

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by Bonnie Wurst

 

I was reading the open letters Sinead O’Connor wrote to Miley Cyrus, in reaction to the former Disney Hannah Montana star’s ‘Wrecking Ball’ video – and the subsequent responses from Miss Cyrus.

O’Connor has her own share of controversy under her belt. Miley is just starting to build up her repertoire.

These ladies are now in a worldwide media catfight. The record execs are probably laughing themselves silly – all the way to their Swedish bank accounts.

Miley’s “Wrecking Ball’ video was released last month on VEVO. It begins with a close-up of her standing in front of a white backdrop and crying – then eventually morphs into scenes of Miley licking a sledgehammer (quite provocatively) and sitting completely naked on top of a swinging wrecking ball. Oops – sorry, she was wearing boots. If her goal was to shed her Hannah Montana image, I would venture to say she has done so rather successfully.

I’m not here to make any judgments – on either of them. I have no idea who they really are. All I know is their public facade and how the media portrays them. Instead I found myself wondering what my late grandmother, Bubby Gertie, would have said about all this. What type of letter might she have written to Miley? And so I allowed myself to daydream (with a Yiddish accent) and channeled my grandmother:
Dear Miss Cyrus,

Hello young lady, I’m writing you dis letter because I’m plotzing over vat’s been happening vith you and dis ball of wreckage you ride like a mechanical bull. Vat are you tinking? I vatched dis video of yours and it vasn’t so bad at the beginning. I thought ‘vy is she crying, such a pretty girl, a real shayna punim? Vat’s making her so sad?’. And den you lick a sledgehammer? OY! Vat’s vith da sledgehammer licking? Who’s your caterer?

Maybe you’re not eating very vell. You’re too skinny. If you vant I could make you a nice chicken soup, no?
And just as I vas thinking, ‘maybe she just needs more salt in her diet’ – you’re valking around in your panties dat everybody should see? Vat’s vith dat? Not so nice.

I almost had a heart attack ven you are on da ball, svinging back and forth like a crazy monkey – you had NO CLOTHES ON! In your birthday suit on da big YouTube program? Oy vay! Again, vat in da name of heaven are you tinking?! You could catch a cold like dat, sitting on a steel ball. You tink da boots make a difference?

And those tattoos for everybody to see? Lying around and rolling in da dirt in your panties is not going to get you a good husband! I’ve got news for you young lady, if you keep dis up it’s only going to make trouble for you down the road. Even dat Lady Ga-Goo person has more self-respect.
And your famous-shmaymous father, dis Billy Ray… vat does he have to say about all dis? Nothing much really. Okay, so he’s proud of you and your ‘God-given’ voice, but did he say anything about keeping your clothes on? No! He should be plotzing. Vat kind of father is dis?

Da only ting he got right is dat you have a God-given talent. Ven I heard you sing songs like ‘Look Vat Zay’ve Done To My Song’ and ‘Jolene’, I thought I vas listening to an angel.

Miley, my Shayna Punim, vith such a talent you could do so much. But maybe dis is vat you vant… vat can I say? Who am I but an old lady with gall bladder problems and arthritis? If you continue following dis road all I can offer you is one piece advice, passed down to me from my mother and generations before her, “Always make sure you put on a clean pair of panties before you leave da house. You never know…

Love, Bubby Gertie

 

 

Bonnie Wurst is a freelance journalist, a weekly columnist for the West End Times, a novelist, ghost writer (not the scary kind) and humorist. Her book “Damaged Goods Re-Stitched” can be found on Amazon.com.  Bonnie is available for speaking engagements and can be reached at bonnierwords@gmail.com

 

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