One of the hottest channels available in ADHDLTV (Analog Digital Hot Definition Log Television) is holding open pit auditions for a new, flaming log – and maybe you have the spark that it takes! After decades of offering hours upon hours of virtual warmth, a relaxing place to chill out or an opportunity for some romantic cuddling, their top Maple log’s hot coals slowly dwindled and needed to be put to rest. It did not come as a surprise to many of the log’s dedicated fans who through the haze, noticed its wafting tendrils of smoke grow thinner and thinner with each one hour loop.
Last month some late night viewers were shocked when the log suddenly dropped from the grate and a large chunk fell into the ash below. In alarm, they witnessed the bodiless arm reach in with a stoker and carefully lift it back up but the fallen chunk could not be retrieved, soon crumbling into tiny embers, sinking deep into the pit – and the rest of the log soon followed. The network telephone lines lit up with calls of dismay from its fans, but the producers could offer them no comfort at the time, as they too were stunned and shaken by the event.
After a short period of mourning the network honoured the log with a last loop, offering its many fans a chance to take a screen shot. The bodiless arm appeared, a marshmallow carefully placed at the end of the poker was then roasted to golden perfection while ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ played in the background before the screen faded into darkness. Moments later the screen lit up again, the bodiless arm, covered in a black sleeve appeared, its wrist bent in grief while announcing the open pit auditions; “Although our hearts remain heavy and the Maple will forever remain a part of us, we at Fireplace TV will fulfill the log’s last wishes and so choose to move forward. Its legacy will live on… with a new and worthy log, continuing to offer you the comfort our dear old Maple had so freely and unselfishly offered, loop after loop. Details will follow.” The screen faded out, but soon lit up again with information about the auditions:
‘Auditions to replace our beloved Maple are now open. Being an equal opportunity employer, the auditions are open to all types of hardwood including, but not limited to: alder, balsa, beech, birch, hickory, mahogany, maple, oak, pine, spruce, teak and walnut. *No softwood will be considered as the job requires hours of placement rehearsals and recording. Must have at least five ring years of experience and be comfortable in outdoor campfire and indoor fireplace locations. Resin and sap should be minimal, but must be twig, leaf and needle free. Must be comfortable with some cosmetic trimming, cutting or working with bark and smaller logs. Must have no fear of kindling, flame ups, sparks and have no allergies to sawdust or chimney soot. Must be able to offer solace to viewers and be open minded and at ease with romantic evenings.’ Please send your resume, bio and photo including: your deciduous age, length, diameter and density, with forest, grove, field or arboretum location, as well as photos of your family trunk, crown and branch via email to: firstname.lastname@example.org. If you fulfill the above requirements you will be contacted by our casting department within three weeks for an audition. Good luck!