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Gas For Beans!


by Bonnie Wurst



Labour Day weekend has come and gone, the kids are back in school, the yoga groups and exercise programs are starting their new sessions – and (surprise!) the gas prices are once again up at the pumps. I day-dreamed my way towards a solution to the gas crisis a while back and now with so many of us trying to find ways to cut down on consumption and our dependence on fossil fuels, I present my dream to you.
Some of you will appreciate this – others will want to throw tomatoes at me.


The ‘Big Three’ car manufacturers; Gee Em, Fjord and Cry-Slur, announce ground breaking technology and the launch of a new line of eco-vehicles which will save consumers millions of dollars at the pump.

Ralph Beanster, spokesperson for the consortium, had this to say at a press conference:
“On behalf of Gee Em, Fjord and Cry-Slur, I am very excited to announce the development of the ‘Organic Mobile System’ – or OM’s for short. Scientists and engineers from the consortium worked together to bring about a new technology that will usher in the next generation of personal transportation and put an end to our dependence on oil. The potential of the new technology is enormous.”

Beanster then went on to explain just how the new vehicles will work:

“Basically, instead of filling up at a gas station, drivers will now be able to conveniently refuel their cars in their driveways at home or even while in traffic – at no cost. A unique seating design will allow the driver (as well as any passengers) to comfortably and discreetly release intestinal gases into the system. The gases will then be converted into an efficient, organic energy source. Highly advanced climate and emission control systems will filter out any unwanted odours. Air bag systems will be adapted, allowing the bags to be refilled when necessary with the contained aromatic residue.

The military is also looking into the technology for other possible uses, including highly classified stink bombs. NASA believes they can adapt the OM’s system and are excited about the possibility of reaching Romulan and Klingon air space within just a few years.

Furthermore, in conjunction with the Agricultural Industry, specialty bean crops will be introduced for large-scale consumption. The Food & Drug Addict Administration will also table new food labelling regulations to better reflect fibre content.

Gas Stations will be given exclusive rights to sell specialty fibre energy bars and will receive government grants to fully expand and modernize their washroom areas, build buffet style chili bars and offer a select line of extra comfy seat cushions.”

Ms. Dee Tawksify from the Organic Healthy Food Association warned members to be cautious about the announcement, “Although this is a very positive step forward, we must remain proactive to ensure the Monsanto group does not turn this whole thing into a genetically modified nightmare.”

Public opinion has so far been very positive, but a spokesperson for the Oil Companies had this say:

It smells. The whole damn thing smells!


Bonnie Wurst is a freelance journalist and weekly columnist for the West End Times, a ghost writer (not the scary kind) and humorist. Her book “Damaged Goods Re-Stitched” can be found on Amazon.com. Her library of whimsical satire (short stories, rants and bulletins) can be found on her blog at http://bonniewurst.wordpress.com.  Bonnie is available for speaking engagements and can be reached at bonnierwords@gmail.com

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