by Bonnie Wurst
THIS JUST IN:
Rooters – “HAHA-V1 VIRUS SPREADS GLOBALLY!”
The malicious Happy App Virus (HAHA-V1) has been spreading around the world at unprecedented rates. A spokesperson for WHOO?, the World Health Oh-Oh Organization, appealed for calm amid the growing epidemic.
The virus first appeared six weeks ago in mobile apps and quickly spread to search engines; Giggle, Wahoo and Ba-Da-Bing, then went on to infect personal computers, notepads and mobile devices everywhere, causing Smiley Face icons to appear randomly all over screens and documents.
Major antivirus software companies had released a fix and the virus seemed to be contained – but within twenty-four hours, reports of humans with smiley-face shaped rashes on their foreheads and noses began flooding in. Experts could only speculate on how it was possible, citing that ‘… somehow the digital code of the virus was sending out electronic signals with the ability to carry the virus… and through some form of mutation, the virus managed to morph from the virtual world into the real world and infect humans’.
Within twelve hours, those infected with HAHA-V1 begin giggling and can’t stop. It soon develops into uncontrollable, full-blown laughter.
Although earlier in the week there was a report from a zoo in California about chimpanzees passing out after laughing uncontrollably for hours on end, animals seem to be immune to the virus. It was determined to be normal behavior for the chimps when it was discovered their zookeeper had been walking around all day with the zipper on his pants down.
WHOO? now estimates that over 50% of the world’s population has already been infected and they are still struggling to find a vaccine to eradicate it. Scientists are being thwarted by a rash of bad knock-knock jokes running through their labs. If it is not stopped soon, the threat of it spreading to every corner of the globe is high.
In the meantime, those with the virus are only able to communicate through writing as they are finding it impossible to speak. Live TV has been cancelled (except for the comedy channels and political debates).
Furthermore, reports are coming in from hospitals about patients infected with HAHA-V1 who are experiencing severe bladder control problems, bellyaches and pulled muscles. Emergency rooms are overloaded and doctors are succumbing to the virus as well, making it impossible to take X-Rays or conduct any tests. Nurses and aides are rolling all over the floors in hysterical laughter, crawling their way to patients’ rooms to give them what care they can.
“It’s not so terrible,” giggled one patient in post-surgery. “True, the laughter is contagious but I haven’t needed any morphine since this began. I’m feeling great!”
World leaders gathered at the United Nations headquarters to discuss emergency measures. They attempted to deliver a live broadcast to the world, but were thwarted in their efforts as most of them had already contracted the virus and fell to the ground in uncontrollable laughter.
Warring countries have issued Peace Treaties in light of the situation and it is rumored that the armed forces of several nations have organized a global pot luck dinner to take place sometime this weekend. McDoodles has announced it is giving away free Happy Attack Meals at all its locations.
The spokesperson for WHOO? is asking people to remain at as simple a level of silliness as possible and to try not to guffaw at all. Guffawing seems to immediately exacerbate the problem. They are working together with all the top scientists and technology experts in the world to come up with a cure.
On a more positive note, it seems that children under the age of 12 are somehow immune to the Happy App Virus. With laughter still natural to them, they are just enjoying the whole thing and giggling right along.
“Why do we need a cure?” asked seven-year old Timmy. “Life has never been better!”
Bonnie Wurst is a freelance journalist, a weekly columnist for the Montreal Times, a novelist, ghost writer (not the scary kind) and humorist. Her book “Damaged Goods Re-Stitched” can be found on Amazon.com. Bonnie is available for speaking engagements and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org