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The best fakest fake news ever

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Fake news is all over social media, aimed at those who take the bait like goldfish in an aquarium and in a frenzy spread it all over the tank without a thought. With that in mind, here’s some fake news, the best fakest news – inspired by the stuff of dreams:

Canada’s opposition parties get together

In the House of Uncommons today, Prime Minister Tru-smiley-dough put forth Bill 123.456.789 – a bill to enhance cooperation between the Liberal Deficit party and the Overreactive-Opposition Conservative (OOC) party led by Andy Sneerdimples. “In the best interest of Canada, it is time to put down the gauntlets and raise our voices in harmony! No longer will we oppose each other on every matter, big or small… we will work together for the people of this great country, for the sake of our children and our future,” the Prime Minister exclaimed. “What say you Mr. Sneerdimples?” At that point Andy stood up, tear drops falling slowly over his dimples. “Yes, yes! Let’s do this Mr. Prime Minister… let us work together and make Canada what it was meant to be – the best country in the whole world!” At that, the House burst into applause and the bill was unanimously passed. MP’s stood and cheered, cuddly hugs were exchanged   and they all worked happily ever after.

Scientists use Star Trek technology to create food replicator

Top scientists from all over the world made an announcement today that will forever change the world. Secretly working together for several years now on a very special project, they created a food replicator that can produce every known food to humankind without the need of livestock or fish from our waters – inspired when binge watching every Star Trek series available. With the replicator, farmers and food producers of every type will be given the devices – upon signing an agreement to free all their animals. Prices to consumers will be in line with their incomes and those who are living in poverty will be allocated enough food to survive. When hearing the news, cows all over the planet raised their moos in delight – and vegans hyperventilated in joy.

Premier Doogie Fjord abducted by Aliens

While eating a double-jumbo pastrami sandwich at a restaurant next to an Ontario Cannabis store, a bright light suddenly surrounded Premier Doog Fjord, pulling him out of his pants, into the air and then out the doors and up into an alien spaceship – that soon took off and disappeared into the sky. According to wide-eyed witnesses, about one hour later the spaceship returned, landing on top of the restaurant. The door of the alien craft slowly opened – and Premier Doog Fjord was unceremoniously tossed to the ground, where he landed with a thud. One of the aliens stepped forth and spoke through a universal translator to those who had gathered nearby, “After our first scan of the specimen, we quickly realized that Earthlings are many evolutionary light years behind the rest of the known galactic species. So, no thank you. You can keep him… oh, and good luck.”

Montreal orange construction cones go on strike

In an unprecedented act of defiance, orange construction cones around the Montreal Island have gone on strike. They began by wearing camouflage pants early yesterday and showed up late to their work sites. Traffic was worse than ever as drivers attempting to find detours of their own, found themselves going around in circles or landing in open pits. A spokescone for the cones said they were tired of being disrespected and blamed for the work going on in the city, where they were often hit or run over – and left ruptured and alone. After presenting their demands to city officials, Mayor Valiant Greenplante offered them a seat on city council and green spaces on the roads where they could take daily breaks.

President Trumple gets abducted by Aliens

While the Un-united States of America’s President Trumple was playing with his putter at his Merry-Lego golf course in Florida yesterday, an alien spaceship suddenly appeared in the sky. A bright light surrounded him, pulling him out of his pants and into the ship. But only two minutes later the door of the alien craft opened and dropped him on to the 18th green. An alien stepped forth and spoke through a universal translator to his security guards, “Ewww, you can keep him. Really. His scans show an unknown DNA chain, unlike any other species we have examined and we are unable to detect any significant intellect – and there are orange stains all over the examining table that we can’t get out!

By: Bonnie Wurst – info@mtltimes.ca

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