Bonnie’s Babble – CWAQ to ban religious cymbals and emojis

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After no debate in the province’s Irrational Assembly this week, Premier Lego and his team of interlocking minifigures, unanimously voted to ban all religious cymbals and emojis – anywhere, any place and anytime. The only exceptions being the wooden cymbal hanging in the Assembly, because it really doesn’t make a sound when played and therefore holds no real religious ‘cymbal’ism – and the Jedi Helmet emoji (Star Wars), because Premier Lego believes the force is with him. Few details were given on how all this will be monitored, but rumours point to province-wide ‘Religious Investigator’ units – the ORCE (Office de la religion cymbal emoji).
In the meantime, sources say banned cymbals will include any cymbal ‘attached to a religious act or musical production’ – such as the high-hats or crash cymbals used in the film Jesus Christ Superstar or those referred to in Psalm 150:5 ‘Praise him on the loud cymbals: praise him on the high sounding cymbals’. Modern day finger-symbols that have their origins in the ancient Jewish Tribe of Levi will not be tolerated and Klezmer bands will be monitored carefully. Use of cymbals by those of Islamic faith, have not yet been identified, but a task force will be appointed to investigate the realm of possibility.

It is unclear what other cymbals will be considered as ‘attached to a religious act or musical production’, but several CWAQ interlocking minifigures have raised concerns about the Tibetan Buddhist gong looking too much like a one-sided cymbal. As for the other known major religions such as Hinduism, Sikhism and Taoism – there seems to be some Confucianism about them.

Religious emojis will certainly be a little harder to identify, as there are often small and hard to see in some platforms – but a partial list leaked to the media might have some smiley faces frowning. The banned images identified so far include: Christian religious emojis such as the Smiling Face with a Halo, Folded Hands in Prayer, any with a Father, Son or Holy Ghost – as well as Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, Little Drummer Boys, Easter Bunnies and Judas Priest Hats. Jewish emoji images listed so far include Matzah, Matzah Balls, Potato Latkes, Chicken Soup Bowls, Menorahs (candle holders with 7 to 9 branches), Gefilte Fish, Bagels with Cream Cheese and Lox, and Bubby Faces that say ‘Oy Vey’. Other images falling under the category of banned emoji include, but not limited to: Yin, Yang and Om symbols, Praying Mantis, Mages, Woman or Man in Lotus Position, Woman or Man Levitating, Locusts involved in any Plagues, as well as Gandalf, Merlin and Professor Albus Dumbledore wizards. The proposed bans are expected to be challenged in court, but Premier Lego has already stated that he will put on his Jedi Helmet and use the Notwithstanding/sitting/leaning clause if necessary.

By: Bonnie Wurst – info@mtltimes.ca

*Bonnie’s Babble is a satire and humour column, intended to evoke laughter. The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of this newspaper.

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