It began with random reports from drivers claiming to have seen alien beings crawling out of large potholes on the Decarie Expressway – many calling it a ‘close encounter of the third kind’, but without the five musical tones ‘Re, Mi, Do, Do, So’. They were described as looking somewhat like tall humans, dressed in long translucent robes, but with bulging, Timbit-glazed eyes and instead of skin they were covered in Youppi-like fur. At first the sightings were considered nothing but the hallucination of drivers, traumatized by the constant shake, rattle and clunk (or crunch) experience of broken axles and flying hubcaps – and the dizzying effects caused by trying to avoid what some described as a ‘close encounter of the sixth-swerving kind’ (death of a human or animal associated with a UFO). Authorities brushed it off – until last night when a group from NASA and SETI showed up at the Turcot Interchange.
They shut down access to all the ramps and set up tents under the new St-Jacques overpass. But Montrealers took it all in stride of course, accustomed to road closures and simply sought out alternate routes. Early in the morning, an announcement came over the Emergency Alert system – telling everyone to stay inside until further notice. Montrealers crammed the city’s hotlines, wanting to know if it was considered a ‘snow day’. An announcement from the GSN (Global Sensationalist Network) came soon after and everyone was glued to their computer and television screens as NASA and SETI representatives spoke:
“Beings from the Andromeda Galaxy have come through the pot holes on the Decarie Expressway, which we are told have grown numerous and deep enough – that they managed to galactically connect to the dozens of known black holes in their galaxy and create doorways. But there is nothing to be alarmed about as they come in peace and wish to offer their knowledge… they wish to help us fix our roads!” An audible cheer was heard across the island. “And now… a word from the Aliens.”
“For several of your decades,” they said in a universally understood language,” we watched from afar as the CCC (Consortium of Corrupt Contractors) from the Delta Quadrant (home of the Borg), slowly infiltrated your city and began destroying the roads. Resistance was futile. Seeing as the Milky Way and Andromeda galaxies are expected to collide in approximately 4.5 billion years, merging to form one large disc-galaxy, we felt compelled to reach out and help our future fellow beings. We have the technology to permanently repair all the roads covering the island. It will be applied through laser beams, harmless to any living organisms. But as we do not want to be bothered by you, this technology will permanently seal access to Andromeda, until we meet again. We ask that you stay off all the roads from Friday at 11:59pm to Monday at 5:00am.”
It was followed by statements by politicians, starting with Mayor Valiant Greenplante who welcomed the Andromedans and offered them free access to Bixi bikes and the rights to cross Mount Royal at their will. Opposition Leader Lionel Nitpickerez, claimed it was a great cover up by Greenplante, and they should have to pay a visitors tax. Premier Lego said they should be immediately expelled, as they arrived as illegal alien immigrants and they did not speak louder in French. Prime Minister Tru-diddly-doo, welcomed them with open arms, offering temporary accommodations in the best of Canada’s border tents, while PC party leader Andrew Sneerdimples said it was all a lie, a Liberal conspiracy that must be investigated immediately. The Andromedans responded, asking for only one thing in return – a hundred dozen Montreal bagels. After all, they lived close to 2.5 million lightyears away from Earth and with the black holes closed, 4.5 billion years would be a long time to wait for one hot out of the oven.
