You can learn a lot about a spouse when you get divorced. Domestic abusers typically hide their authentic personalities under sarcasm and attempt to denigrate their spouses, but the bottom line is that most abusers are themselves insecure.
The signs of domestic abuse
Domestic abuse can be physical, mental, emotional, or concentrated on financial control, but divorce holds a mirror up that reveals the true state of your marriage and hidden things about your abuser. These revelations include the following insights about abusers.
1. You can’t change an abuser
Abusers can’t resist controlling their spouses and kids. Trying to encourage normal, human emotions in an abuser leads inevitably to disappointment. Your ex will continue to act out with your kids, so it is recommended that you only allow supervised visits.
As long as the abuser doesn’t physically attack you or your kids, you need to ignore their disruptive behaviour for your peace of mind.
2. Jealousy and control motivate abusers
No matter how offensive your abuser’s communications become during the divorce, it is best to ignore the petty nonsense. Soon to be ex-spouses don’t need to know any of the details of your new personal life. You don’t need to justify any of your actions if the abuser becomes aware of your life details.
Jealousy and control motivate the domestic abuser, and they will continue to act accordingly. You are not obligated to reward an abuser with a reaction.
3. Abusers are tremendously insecure
Most abusers have a fragile ego and are so insecure that they need to compensate for it by tearing down others. Faced with professional legal testimony in court, abusers show their insecurity in various ways — such as displaying an extreme temper, breaking down and apologizing profusely, crying, or justifying their actions as an attempt to make you feel better in some way.
4. Abuse is a learned behaviour
Most abusers come from households where there was abuse. The person may or may not have been abused, but abusers learn their behaviour under the aegis of domestic abuse. Many victims can stop the cycle of abuse and violence, but those too weak to do it often continue the abusive behaviour in their new family.
5. Drugs, alcohol and life’s disappointments trigger abuse
Drugs and alcohol can trigger episodes of abuse, and even hardships at work can cause an abuser to lash out at their family members. Trying to tiptoe around the abuser’s mood swings never works out over the long term, and it is best not to try to break free of the abuser on your own terms.
6. You are not at fault for the abuse
Abuse victims are never to blame for their own abuse, even though many abusers try to shift the blame from themselves to the victim to make themselves feel better. The abuse is solely attributable to the abuser and a warped outlook that makes controlling others desirable.
Abuse can strain friendships and witnesses to the abuse, but you are not responsible for the abuser’s mood and its bad decisions in life, including the abuse.
Stopping domestic abuse
If you want to know how to stop domestic violence, check out the link for extra resources for abuse victims in your area. Abuse occurs between cohabiting partners, spouses, children, and other family members like live-in grandparents.
Making a clean break is the best way of dealing with an abuser, with no-contact often being the most extreme but healthiest way to break free. You should probably retain an attorney to help with any legal issues, custody battles, and whatnots like restraining orders and your fair share of any shared assets.
Do not expect the legal system to punish a domestic abuser except in extreme cases of physical violence, but the emotional damage can be just as devastating if not worse. Physical wounds can heal, but emotional scars can last a lifetime, so be gentle with yourself even if everyone else around you isn’t.
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